On the Twists and Turns of Biracial Hair

“I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty. Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining; Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen. Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided. Powdered, flowered, and confettied, Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!
-Lyrics from song “Hair” from the Musical HaiR

HAIR, a black woman’s persona. A black woman’s nightmare! How much does HAIR matter to a black woman? We analyze, judge, like or dislike a woman BASED upon her HAIR. What many people take for granted, black people consider your HAIR a statement of who you are and what you aspire to be. Something as simple as HAIR is a major part of my life and my personality. It dictates whether I work out, how much vacation time I use, when I schedule my appointments, which car I drive. My day begins the night before. My day begins the DAY before. 

The Conundrum
Every afternoon workout results in a conundrum. I work out 4-5 days a week – imagine my stress level! You see, I know that during my aerobic activity, I will sweat. The sweat will make my HAIR either “fall” (meaning I will lose some curliness) or make it frizzy – which is more likely!

For many women of other persuasions, this is no big deal; wash it, blow dry, finger comb it or hit it with a curling iron and you are good to go! How I envy you! But for me, sweat is fatal to the do. No not because it may get curly or frizzy, but because if I get sweaty, I must shower. Showering means I either get my HAIR wet – which means a significant investment of time. Yes, I have HAIR assault weapons in my arsenal, but…tick tock, time for a meeting! So since most times I cannot invest the time in the full monty HAIR washing, I have to salvage the do left after the workout.

If I didn’t sweat during my workout like a drug runner at a border crossing, then I wrap my HAIR into a terry cloth turban, jump into the shower, HOPING AGAINST ALL HOPE that no tendrils escape. One bad apple spoils the BUNCH…and one wet tendril can spoil the “do.”

I plug in my iron (I have four – one for curly, one for straight, one for body and just an extra one for giggles), and I do what I can to preserve the sweaty, curly (or frizzy) HAIRdo that I have left in my turban.

After I have thoroughly dried off and dressed, I remove the towel. Here’s the moment of truth. If I am lucky, my HAIR has that bedroom look; slightly tossled and curly as though I just rolled out of bed (and I didn’t drool, don’t have pillow face or one side of my hair matted to my head with pre-menopausal nightsweat! Yes, I sweat, not glisten). I run my fingers through it, shake it out, give a secret smile in the mirror signifying victory over the bush and glide happily out of the fitness center.

What if it’s a bad day?
The HAIR has not preserved well in the turban! It’s frizzy, it’s tangled, IT’S A SIGHT! HEAVY SIGH!

I survey the damage and select my weapon of choice. I sadly pick up the small-barreled curling iron (the smaller the barrel, the longer and harder my task) and begin the process of pulling out the pieces of my HAIR that did not survive. I wind that HAIR around the hot metal; hear the sizzle, the wisps of smoke smelling like salty conditioner! I continue on, watching the clock, hoping that my shiny lipstick will distract from the medusa-like curls! I try to ignore the rain shower of hair that falls to the floor. I think sadly to myself – I must wash my HAIR tonite or tomorrow morning.

Why is washing the HAIR a big deal?
The white women on TV have orgasmic experiences with Herbal Essences, moaning with unadulterated pleasuret hrough the commercials, “yes, yes, work it!” Oh, I moan as well. Moans of defeat! There will be no energy-sapped, deep and satisfied sleep for me.

Many times I plan my evening around the washing of my HAIR. Dinner first, then encourage the hubby off to his game room while I go thru my HAIR repair procedure. Wash, deep condition, slather on the Redken No-Frizz gel (something that looks eerily like the result of the orgasmic shampoo experience!) Now, we spritz the blue liquid throughout the hair – and then we ROLL! Not with the punches or the changes, but with the curlers!

Waxing Philosophical
Which curlers should I use? What will tomorrow bring? Am I working out tomorrow? Do I need to look freshly sleek for a meeting? Do I need to make a smooth impression or can I be a wild and tenacious project manager with hair to match? Is tomorrow Friday? (Even more complicated, I’ll save this one for a later discussion).

If I workout tomorrow morning (and the quarterly color of my HAIR is red), then I slather my enriched, color-tinted conditioning goodness through the HAIR, throw on my turban and settle into bed to sip hot tea and watch Family Guy reruns. Finally mind, body and tresses are relaxed – for a moment. Before the I press Power OFF on the DVR, I must perform mental math so I can set my alarm – backwards and forwards through time.

COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ladies – if you want to enjoy those gorgeous red hues your HAIRdresser so adeptly foiled into your HAIR, use Aveda’s Madder Root Conditioner! Seriously, your HAIR will rock with color every day and people will ask you “did you just color your HAIR? You’ll smile with that poker face and say “no, it’s been like this.” Trust me – it will happen! 

Okay, now back to the mental math! Below is the formula:

1. if I have to be in the office by 8:30am, that means I need to leave the house absolutely no later than 8am.
2. This means I have to be back to the house from the gym at 6:45am. That gives me 15 minutes to shower, 10 minutes to get the rollers in and I am under my dryer at 7:15am (oh yes, I have a stand-up dryer. Its’ home is under one of my end-tables in the living room. If the cleaning ladies every move it, I will know. Like the Dark Lord Sauron, I always sense the power of the one…dryer).
3. This means I have 30 minutes under the dryer to read one of my many lawschool reading assignments, catch-up on the previous week’s events (I read “The Week” when I have a moment) So that leaves me at 7:45am.
4. This means I have 15 minutes to get dressed, makeup and brush the hair around my head, replace the turban while I apply makeup and dress.
5. This means I have to be at the gym by 6am, which means I have to leave by 5:45am, so that means I have to be up by 5:30am! ALARM SET!

So by now, you must have a few questions:

Q. How does someone who sounds so high-maintenance get ready in 15 minutes?
A. I decide what to wear the night before for maximum launch efficiency! That’s another formula I won’t try to explain now.

Q. Do you wash your hair before you go to the gym?
A. Yes, upon climbing out of the bed, I remove the turban and assess brushability. If I can brush out the hair, I pull it back with a no-stress hair band, pull my favorite black Nike cap over my head, and off I go to the gym. If the nite was not so good, I rinse it quickly, slather on non-tinted conditioner (I don’t want red sweat running down my face on the treadmill, that might freak people out!) and place my trusty cap on my head. And yes, I wash it upon my return from the gym!

Q. Linda, are you insane?
A. Yes, quite.

Q. What if you are not working out the next day?
A. Well, it depends. If I worked out that evening, I still have to do some “cypherin.’” I just work backwards from office ETA. If I didn’t work out that evening and the hair is still smooth and shiny, well, my friend, hope springs eternal. My mood is cheerful, my step is lighter, the world seems brighter, the next day offers promise! This means I simply brush my hair around my head, pull on my black terry turban and it’s time to stay up until 11pm watching Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern or maybe even the WTHR News broadcast! Heck, I don’t even plan the next day’s outfit. It’s quite freeing!

Mousse and Squirrel!
On days where I have mid-afternoon workouts, I do the Mousse-and-Squirrel (M&S) routine (borrowed from Will & Grace). Wash the HAIR, rub in Garnier Fructisse Mousse, squirt in a copious amount of gel (the same brand), brush and pull back in my Ouchess HAIRband – and out the door! Not my favorite HAIRstyle, but easy, cheesy lemon-squeezy. With this do, I might have time to stop for a Starbucks on the way to work. It’s a special Day!

Another reason for M&S? RAINY DAYS. I don’t care what BJ Thomas croons about raindrops fallin’ on his head! Walk a mile in my shoes BJ – I bet that chorus changes! You see, I don’t like to get my HAIR wet (unless it’s intentional, like showering or swimming) and there’s no amount of preparation that can save my HAIRdo from HUMIDITY. Yes, humidity, my arch nemesis, my Achilles heel, the bane of my existence!

 Tressed for Success

Wow, sounds like a lot of drama, right? Especially since I like  pairing my outfits with my HAIR. In this case it means the HAIR is down – straight or curly (not M&S). Therefore, I am a slave to my HAIR ritual. So while I always put my best foot forward with friends, colleagues, family and my husband, there’s no greater complement I can give you, in my skewed reality, then to greet you at the morning meeting, at Starbucks, at the mall or for a drink, with my HAIRdone; silky and smoothy or flirty and curly! You now have an idea of what I go thru for you, my friends, just for you. (and maybe because as I hit 40, I became more vain and I am always afraid I might run into some celebrity stylist who will secretly use me as parody on a show!) So, you have just read a big part of my life. This is my reality. I know that many women go thru similar contortions, so I feel your pain. And I invite you to feel mine!